


Super Bowser 64

by Mechayoshi



Category: Super Mario 64, Super Mario Bros. (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Gen, Real World References
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-08-03 05:25:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16319957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mechayoshi/pseuds/Mechayoshi
Summary: A strange accident sends Bowser into an alternate dimension where he relives the events of Super Mario 64. From Mario's perspective!





	1. The cake is a lie

"Peace Keeping Campaign Successful!"

King Bowser was flying home from a political meeting at Sky Land, and he figured he'd update his blog for Dark Land dot gov.

The sky was blue, weather was warm, and the future looked bright for the King. He was going to make amendments with nearby Kingdoms that weren't on friendly terms (so basically all of them). And he'd play nice whether they liked it or not! Of course, this was just to impress Princess Peach. If he could get on her good side, he'd be invited to more parties and get-togethers. His goal was the Mushroom Ball. It was a stretch, but if he could get on good terms with all of the nearby Kingdoms, Peach would be sure to notice. And if he made it to the ball? Well...the Koopa King certainly had some interesting things planed.  
(Un)fortunately though, since these Kingdoms had been harassed by Bowser in the past (and they had common sense), the forgiveness process was taking a while. Still, you catch more Fly Guys with Honey Syrup than a Thunder Rage.  
"Citizen approval rose from -40% to -30%," he continued to type. Suddenly, his Airship jolted.  
"Hey!" Bowser called up front. "What's going on?!"  
BEEP BEEP BEEP  
The Airship's automatic warning sounds went off, indicating a drop in air pressure.  
Bowser ran to the pilot compartment. The Bandit pilot continued to fly forward, captivated by the red glowing space abnormality. Bowser's jaw dropped.  
It was a black hole!  
"Divert! What's the hold up?" Bowser commanded.  
The pilot blinked rapidly as he broke out of the daze. "Sir! A black hole, sir!"  
"Duh?! Get us out of here!"  
"Get us out? We must abandon, sir!"  
The ship began to violently shake. The pilots hand hovered over the eject button.  
"Don't you dare," Bowser warned, "I have something very valuable on this ship. Save us!"  
"Sorry, sir. You do not pay me enough for this."  
"What?-"  
Floosh!  
The pilots seat sprung into the air, taking away the top glass with it. The wind created a whirlwind inside the cabin and Bowser grabbed a rail for support.  
"Dirty traitor!" Bowser yelled, though his voice was lost in the wind noise.  
Bowser plopped down in the second chair. Ignoring his lightheadedness, he grabbed the controls and attempted to pull the airship back. The cabin creaked and cracked under pressure. The ship was being sucked in and the thrusters couldn't fight it. Bowser scrambled for the radio.  
"Mayday! Mayday! This is Bowser. S.O.S! Whatever- help!" The radio slipped from his claws.  
"PRESS START TO PLAY" droned loudly as Bowser started to pass out.  
This was it. Trapped by a trap that he had in the past used for world domination. Bowser figured one of his own designs might kill him one day, but he had always bet on it be lava or giant spikes, not random black holes tearing holes in the universe. Then he thought about his friends and family. Would his heir, Bowser Junior rule the kingdom right? Would his political relationships be better? What about Peach and friends? Would someone else kidnap her? Would Mario move on to another rival? Lastly, the special gift he had stowed away on the ship. It would never be delivered.  
The last thing he saw was a strange checkerboard pattern all across the visor as his world went black.

* * *

The magnificent Peach's Castle was a landmark in the Mushroom Kingdom. Situated on a private acre of land with a freshwater lake, the three storied building housed the Princess and her loyal servants. Lakitu was illegally filming the castle, hoping to capture something embarrassing that he could share on Facebook, but the place seemed deserted and eerily quiet. Then he heard the sound of a warp pipe appearing. Lakitu hid behind a tree.  
Bowser was forcefully ejected from a giant warp pipe. He flailed in the air until he landed face first on the sanely ground.  
"Yow! What the-"  
This was it! He could film Bowser embarrassing himself instead!  
A message popped up in Bowser's face.  
"Ciao! This is NOT Dimentio, but this is Peach's Castle. Your sorry self got here by a warp pipe, silly! Press these buttons to do stuff. Okay? See ya!"  
"What buttons? Dimentio? You sorry sucker...wait. Where am I?"  
The text box went away as Lakitu showed his face.  
"Hey Bowser," Lakitu greeted. "We're uh...the Lakitu Bros, making a documentary about the place and.."  
"Hold it, hold it. How did I get to Peach's Place?"  
"Uh, she baked you a cake," Lakitu lied. "Yeah, an invitation. So do you agree to have me follow you or not?"  
"Follow me?"  
"Yeah. I'll give you extra camera angles and stuff for free, but I must follow you everywhere! You can press 'C' or go into the start menu to switch them by the way."  
"There y'all go again with the the buttons and menus and whatnot! Whatever, follow if you want. I'm going inside."  
Bowser entered through the front door. Right as he was greeting to the front room, another message popped up.  
"Welcome. I mean, you're not welcome. Go home! To one is here. Gwa haha!" A deep laugh echoed.  
"Weird," Bowser said, "It's like I've heard that before. Hm...oh well. Probably a coincidence. Hey Princess! Uh, what's his name? Toad? Mario! Somebody?"  
A Toad standing near the left most door whimpered.  
"Bout time I found somebody. Thought I was in Twilight Town for a moment! What's up?"  
"Am I glad to see you!" the Toad blurted out, "The Princess...and I...and, well, everybody...we're all trapped inside the castle walls. Bowser has stolen... wait. You are Bowser!"  
"What? I am? I had no idea..." Bowser said annoyingly.  
"Well, the castle's Stars, and he's using their power to create his own world in the paintings and walls. Please recover the Power Stars! As you find them, you can use their power to open the doors that Bowser has sealed. There are four rooms on the first floor. Start in the one with the painting of Bob-omb inside-"  
"Hold on. Are you a tour guide or something? Who is this other Bowser?"  
"I don't know?! I just know that you need to SAVE US!" The Toad went transparent again.  
"I suggest you enter the door with the star symbol," Lakitu whispered.  
"Who told you to speak?"  
"I'm just suggesting what's good for the ratings. I can't film you doing nothing. Besides, like Toad boy said, these doors have a weird lock on them. We're going to need stars to get anywhere."  
Bowser groaned, but complied to his 'cameraman's' suggestion. He was greeted to a oddly familiar painting of Bob-ombs marching.  
"Hmm. Wonder who the Princess's new decorator is? This is horribly empty! And no furniture?-"  
"Hop inside already," Lakitu whispered.  
"Alright. I do need to get to the home, and looks like this stupid star scavenger hunt is my only option. I had better get a nice paycheck from that documentary too!" Bowser stepped back to get a running start.  
"Well...Here goes nothing!"  
Bowser made a dash into the painting as the evil laugh echoed again.  
**To be continued...**


	2. Bob-omb Battle-Fail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Mario and Co. belong to Nintendo.Content warning  
> Created: 4/3/17  
> Mild references  
> Author note: Forgive formatting, this is a cross post from something done a while ago on FF.net

DuhDuhDuh-DuhDuh-Duh!

**Big Bob-omb on the Summit Go!**

Bowser dropped down on the battle field. The sky was blue and the air warm, but all was not well. Bomb sentries marched in the grasslands, a rabid Chain-Chomp guarded the bridge, and giant bowling balls rolled down the mountain, ready to crush any intruder.  
"Wow! You're smack in the middle of the battlefield!" The text box said.  
"Okay?" Bowser questioned.  
"You'll find the Power Stars that Bowser stole inside the painting worlds. First talk to the Bob-omb buddy. (Press B to talk.) He'll certainly help you out, and so will his comrades in other areas."  
"Okay, again? Why am I being told I stole something every minute?"  
"Because, maybe you did," Lakitu teased.  
Bowser huffed. "If I really stole something, I would want the credit for it. I swear to Eldstar that I just got here! And I didn't do nothing!"  
"Hey you!" A pink Bob-omb called out to Bowser. "I am looking for an honest comrade!"  
"Well it ain't me! I'm a professional villain, you see? Also, why are you pink?"  
The bomb sighed. "We'll take you anyway, we're that desperate. All of the black bombs are trouble!"  
"Racist.." Bowser replied.  
The pink bomb rolled his eyes. "Uh, no. I mean, they are evil and want to fight and blow up the world. Us Bob-omb Buddies are the last peaceful bombs left! You must end this war!"  
"Alright, alright. What's up with this cannon here?"  
"It's under the control of the Big Bob-omb. If you defeat him at the top of the mountain, we will take control again. By the way, the reward will be a star."  
"Now we're talking! Why didn't you say so? Say, what do you hippies want a cannon for anyway? You're pacifists right?"  
"Ah!" the Bob-omb Buddy exclaimed, "You are right. We would never fire ammunition at someone. We would however fire YOU out of it!"  
"What?!"  
"Go! Go! Hurry!" the bomb nudged Bowser forward.  
Up ahead was the path leading to the middle part of the stage. Black Bob-ombs marched in the dirt path to the left and a mysterious red box outline was to the right. Bowser spotted Goombas on patrol. This was great news, he thought. He could definitely count on his own lackeys to fill him in on the madness.  
"Hey you!"  
The Goomba noticed Bowser. "You talking to me, punk?"  
"Watch your language, soldier! Tell me your rank and position, now!"  
"I don't take orders from you! I only serve Bowser!"  
"Booowwsseerr!" the second Goomba screamed from behind.  
"What the-? I AM Bowser you morons! Is this a joke?"  
"No! You are a joke! Charrrggeee!" The Goombas stampeded Bowser, knocking him backwards. Two points were taken from his life meter.  
"Back off!" Bowser shoved the Goombas way. They disappeared in a smoke and left two coins. "Did...did I just defeat my own minions?! What a waste!"  
"Yes! Just like that! YEESSS!" The Bob-omb buddy nearest to the cannon shouted, jumping in excitement. "Two down, twenty or so more to go!"  
"These 'peace lovin' pink Bob-ombs sure love violence, don't they?" Bowser whispered to Lakitu. Lakitu was frozen in shock. He didn't think he'd be making a 'snuff' film! This footage could not be leaked to TMKMZ anymore, he had prime evidence on his hands now! He'd have to find a way out, maybe...Yes! If he could just sneak the lens cap back on without Bowser noticing...  
"Hello? Earth to Lakitu? I'm not on 'fixed camera' am I? Get over here!" Bowser called to Lakitu, who hadn't moved. Bowser was now at the sign post in front of the Chain Chomp. Lakitu made it to him just as the Chain Chomp tacked Bowser. He flew back against the railing and lost three more units of health.  
"Yow! Why am I getting knocked around so much?!" Bowser got up, feeling sore.  
"Because...maybe these painting worlds have something up?" Lakitu said, discreetly digging around in his pockets for his lens cap.  
"You might be right, goggles. I really don't feel myself. Heck, this is something Mario should be doing!"  
"Um hm," Lakitu mumbled. He couldn't find that cap anywhere! "Well if we get enough stars to get to the upper castle rooms-"  
"Yeah, yeah. We can straighten things out with the Princess or whatever. And tell her to hire a redecorator! What are you trying to find anyway?"  
"N-nothing! Uh, lets go."  
Bowser went the direction opposite to the Chain-Chomp, towards the field.  
"Bowser, where are you going?"  
"I see a Koopa over there. Maybe I can talk some sense into him." A water bomb went off next to Bowser, splashing him. "What the-?" He saw another one approaching from above. Bowser dodged into the flower bed, flatting most of the flowers in the process.  
"Heh. Those hippie pink Bob-omb must have planted these. Yeah, only they would- hey what's happening?"  
Bowser (and Lakitu) were teleported to a flower bed on the opposite side of the field.  
"Whoa!" they both said. A bomb-omb sentry went off.  
"Get him!" the black Bob-omb called. He lit his fuse and made way for Bowser. Bowser was prepared this time, and picked the sizzling creature up before it touched him. Bowser wasted no time interrogating it.  
"What's your deal, little brat? Who is your leader? What does he want? Why does everyone know and not know me at the same time? And why-"  
Boom!  
The bomb went off on Bowser, making him lose another health point.  
"Bowser!" Lakitu warned, "You'd better watch your health. No telling what might happen to you (or me) if you lose it all!"  
"Alright. Hyper speed, go!" Bowser made a dash towards the gate entrance to the mountain, dodging the bob-omb sentries and water bomb barrage. He stopped at a deep bit containing two giant rolling bowling balls.  
"Wow! Didn't know I had that ability! But this looks dangerous. I'm going this way." Bowser pointed to a steep incline off the side with a red coin at the top of it.  
"Up there?!" Lakitu exclaimed. "Well, whatever makes good television..."  
Bowser did his hyper speed thing again, up the hill. When he collected the red coin, he gained two points back. As got up, a bowling ball sped past him.  
"Gah! More of them! And here's another!" Bowser stepped aside. "No way I can dodge all of those on that narrow path! Hm..." After waiting for the next ball to pass, Bowser stepped up to the dirt wall. He reached out a claw to grab the rocky surface. Then another. The he tried to grip with his toes.  
"Bowser..uh..."  
"Shut it, I'm trying to do something here. Well well, I knew those rock climbing lessons Junior dragged me to might come in handy. Wall climb, go!"  
Bowser climbed the wall as Lakitu nervously ascended on his cloud to catch the action. He never found the lens cap and couldn't stop the recording without notice. He'd just have to hope no one else died anytime soon. Bowser scaled the mountain in impressive time, but what was waiting at the top?  
Meanwhile, at the start point...  
"Hey, you see him? Or has he gotten taken out like the others?"  
"Oh I see him! He's...climbing the mountain! How genius! He is the one!"  
"What? No way, let me see." The Bob-omb Buddy shoved the other aside to get a good look in the binoculars. "My goodness, he is a smart fellow. Remember how everyone else got crushed by the bowling balls, assuming they survived to reach the mountain?"  
"How could I forget?" The other bomb said, squinting at the mountain, "Although, I must admit I don't miss most of them. Remember that weird tall purple plumber guy, called Wal-something?"  
"Ugh, him! And remember that really hairy ape with the neck tie? He wouldn't shut up about his banana hoard!"  
"Ha! Or- or that British mushroom guy with glasses and a mustache? He was all like 'Oh dear me! How did I get in this world?' and got defeated by the first goomba?"  
"Oh yeah, haha!" The bomb-omb buddies laughed at the memories...  
Back on the mountain...  
"Just a little more, Bowser. We're near the top and- Ack! Who are you?!" Lakitu screamed. The shock made Bowser lose his grip and he fell!...  
...However, there was a small ledge near the top so he only fell two feet or so.  
"Ahhhhhhhhh!'' Bowser continued to scream.  
"Bowser! You aren't falling anymore."  
"Oh. Heh heh, I knew that!"  
"And look up."  
Bowser looked up to see the Big Bob-omb himself. He was seven feet tall, with a magnificent white mustache and a golden crown.  
"Pick yourself up, fellow!" The bomb said in a booming but cordial baritone.  
"You! Who ever you are..." Bowser challenged, lifting himself up to stand level with the King.  
"I'm the Big Bob-omb, baron of all blasting matter, king of ka-booms the world over! How dare you scale my mountain? By what right do you set foot on my imperial mountaintop? You may have eluded my guards, but-"  
"Is there a bathroom up here?" Lakitu interrupted.  
"What? No...Listen. You will never take my Power Star, you hear? And if you want to try, you must prove yourself in battle."  
"Right ahead of ya!" Bowser said, charging the King. He instead, grabbed Bowser and tossed him across the mountain top.  
"Oof!"  
"To best me, gentleman, you must hurl ME! And try not to die please, ha ha!" King Bob-omb laughed good naturedly. Bowser got up and growled. He activated "hyper speed" to run around the King but he seemed to be able to spin to face him just as quick. Bowser stopped and attempted the other direction. He finally got an opening for his rear side.  
"Ugh, does the narration have to word it like that? Anyway, take this old man!" Bowser picked up the King toss him as hard as he could. The bomb landed with a loud thud and smoke emitted from him as the King panicked.  
"Whaaa...Whaaat? Can it be that a pipsqueak like you has defused the Bob-omb King? You might be fast enough to ground me, but you'll have to pick up the pace if you want to take King Bowser by the tail. Farewell!"  
"I am BOWSER!" Bowser shouted in frustration. It went on deaf ears as the King materialized into a star!  
"That's it! Grab it!" Lakitu said.  
"Yes! Thanks to you, that big Bomb-omb is a big thud now!" The bomb-omb buddy said.  
"Who are you, and how did you get up here that fast?"  
The bomb-omb buddy casually walked near the star. "Oh, I was stationed on the mountain whole time, but I'll be sure to tell my comrades. I was getting tired of watching the carnage and the failures of those before you."  
Bowser scratched his head. "Those before me? Who?"  
"Many failed heroes you see. But it's okay, because to make it here means that you are the chosen one!"  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Let's just get the star and leave. It's getting weirder by the second," Lakitu whispered. Bowser nodded. He was sure to get all of his questions answered once he reached Peach upstairs...right?  
To be continued.

* * *

Fun facts:  
-Bowser's abilities so far is "Hyper speed" a move from SM64 actually, where in the boss fight bowser dashes all of a sudden. "Wall climb" is designed to be a foil of Mario's "Wall kick". Yes, Bowser will get more powers and they will all be different than Mario's.  
-In Mario Party 1, Wario's Battle Canyon reuses the same story as Bob-omb battlefield. Only they make it more dark and serious for some reason. To be honest, in SM64 the "war" is barely an issue aside from the first star mission. Also I never understood why Bob-omb buddies are in other levels. Is the war going on in all of the paintings?


	3. Chump's Fortress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Created: 4/11 - 4/22/17  
> Disclaimer: I don't own Mario and co.  
> Author note: Remember that this is a cross post from over a year ago on FF.net. Later chapters won't be this way. :P

Bowser and Lakitu hopped out of the Bob-omb Battlefield painting earning a congratulatory chime and message.  
"Wow! One star already and we haven't game overed yet. Impressive," Lakitu said amusingly.  
"Well of course that's the case, goggles. I AM King Bowser," Bowser said as they moved into the main room and mezzanine again. "Say, what do you think about what people are saying?"  
"Saying like what?"  
Bowser stomped his feet. "Pay attention! They're saying that I stole the power stars! I mean, I know I might have done so way back but-"  
"Might?"  
"Well yeah... I've had a lot of plans you see, an most of them start with 'kidnap princess'! So anyway, I might have gotten a little more creative once or twice. You know, trapping people in paintings? Of course, it still involved kidnapping a princess though. Still, I don't get it. That was ages ago when I tried that!"  
"Hmm. Maybe you're in a parallel dimension?" Lakitu asked. Bowser looked at him as if he'd said the most ridiculous thing ever.  
"-Yay! You've recovered a star already!" Toad said, surprising Bowser.  
"Umm. Were you just standing there the whole time?"  
"Yeah. Bowser's influence over the castle prevents me from moving from this spot. Also I turn invisible for some reason. But enough about my torment, you have a star!"  
"I sure do, Captain Obvious. You gonna tell us where to go or not?!"  
"Oh, you can now enter the door that requires one star! Hurry now, I'm disappearing again!" The Toad said as they faded way.  
Bowser looked around. "Thanks...I guess. So the number on the doors tell us how many stars we need? Tell me about a stupid lock!"  
Bowser and Lakitu entered the door on the other side of the lobby. Once inside, they were greeted to a gold trimmed painting of a tower on top of a mountain of sorts.  
"More mountains? My Super Climb will be OP here," Bowser whispered.  
"So that's what you're calling it now?"  
Bowser glared. "When I get Peach's cake, you ain't getting any!" He jumped in.  
Mission One: Chip off Whomp's Block  
Bowser dropped into a grassy area. Whomp's Fortress was just that, a fortress. In fact, there wasn't much else. Only the grassy area he landed in wasn't part of the fortress. Despite the grandiose structure, Bowser looked around with mild disappointment.  
"Well, it's way smaller in real life, that's for sure!"  
"At least I see no warfare and bloodshed," Lakitu said, relieved.  
Bowser ignored the nearby sleeping Piranha Plant walked up the inclining path leading to the Thwomps. Lakitu gave him a worried look.  
"Don't get yer cloud in a bunch! I know these guys aren't working for my army, but it's not like they can move over here and attack me. Hey!" Bowser called out, "What's up? Where's your spikes?  
"All hail the rock people!" the Thwomp said.  
"What?" Bowser asked.  
"Is every enemy we meet gonna be militant about something?" Lakitu whispered.  
"That's painting world logic for you. Oh look, another lazy Piranha Plant," Bowser said pointing to a plant near the wall. "What's with them? And what's that noise?"  
"Sounds like a lullaby, Bowser. You- hey Bowser?"  
"Zzzz!"  
"Bowser, wake up!"  
Lakitu panicked, he couldn't continue on without Bowser. What to do? Then Lakitu noticed a small radio near the Piranha Plant. Moving closer, it was clear the prerecorded lullaby music came from it.  
Lakitu chucked to himself. "All I have to do is change the station. Let's see...wonder what's on radio WMUSH ROCK?"  
He turned the knob and Slayer started blasting out of the radio. Bowser and the plant awoke instantly. Bowser covered his ears as the Piranha plant flailed around, the music hurting it apparently.  
"What is this growling music?!" Bowser screamed over the guitars.  
"Ahhg! It's Slayer but it's soooo loud and thought they only played radio rock, not metal!" Lakitu screamed back.  
"Cut it up!" the Thwomp said, "Us rock people love the squealing guitars! And metal! And Slayer! And also Metallica!"  
A record scratching noise played and everything got silent.  
"...Dude, seriously?" Bowser asked.  
"Why do you wonder, non-rock person? Their recent album was decently pleasing!"  
"Eh, yeah he's right. It had some good songs on it," Lakitu said.  
Bowser turned to him. "You like metal?"  
Lakitu looked around nervously. "I'm a closeted fan. Okay? And why did the music die?"  
Bowser looked back. The Piranha plant died and landed on the radio, breaking it. Bowser shrugged. "We'll never mention this again, okay?"  
"Agreed."  
Soon they made it to the grey segmented collapsing bridge.  
"Hold on," Lakitu warned, "this bridge might collapse under your weight!"  
"You calling me fat?!" Bowser huffed. He put one toe on the first piece and it fell to the ground.  
"Told ya," Lakitu said, crossing his arms.  
"Shut up!" Bowser decided to use his hyper speed to cross the bridge.  
Zoom! Each piece fell behind him but he made it across safe.  
"Hopefully Whomp's Fortress has tax payers!" Bowser said, making it to the bridge that rotates and getting on.  
"Unlike your kingdom?"  
Bowser turned around to glare. "Shut up again! Be a silent camera guy, will ya?"  
"Fine."  
 **Bam!**  
Bowser got smacked in the face by the floating triangle thing, almost falling off. He stumbled backwards but grabbed the edge of the bridge, saving himself.  
"Owww, why didn't you warn me?"  
Lakitu kelp silent and did a 'lips are zipped' motion with his hand.  
"Oh right...dang..." Bowser groaned.  
"Halt right there, non-rock person!" a patolling Whomp called to them.  
"Now what? Ow, think I broke a claw!"  
"Pledge your allegance to the Whomp King, or you shall be flattened!"  
"I'd like to see you try, ya brick!"  
Bowser and the Whomp marched to each other confrontationally , getting all up in each other's faces.  
"Back off, non-rock loser!" Whomp barked.  
"You back off!" Bowser growled.  
"You!"  
"You!"  
"Something interesting gonna happen?" Lakitu complained.  
"Gah!" Bowser grunted as he pushed the Whomp away. Being top heavy, the Whomp swayed back and forth, trying to regain balance when it finally fell face first to the ground, revealing a huge bandaid in a cross pattern.  
"Ha ha! Looks like someone already lost a fight!" Bowser teased.  
"Aahhh! My weak area!" Whomp mumbled.  
"That gives me an idea," Bowser said. "Bowser bomb!"  
Bowser flew high in the air and landed tail first on the x spot.  
Boom! The Whomp exploded into five coins.  
"Grrr! How dare you hurt one of my minions! Face me like a rock-man!" a deep voice said from above.  
"A rock man?" Bowser asked. "Don't know about that, but I got a metal man. Ain't that right, Lakitu?"  
"Uh, WHAT?!" Lakitu gasped.  
"Yeah," Bowser said, pointing to him,"he likes uh, what's it called? Metalzilla?"  
"Metallica!" Lakitu corrected. "I mean, oops!"  
"ME TOO!" the voice boomed. "Come on up and join me, brethren!"  
Bowser looked back at Lakitu mischievously. "Okay." He boarded the checked platforms to the top where the Whomp King awaited them. The titular king towered over Bowser, but was otherwise a normal looking Whomp.  
"Greetings! I would punish you for being non-rock person and walking all over us rock-people like I have many other failed heroes, but since you are metal fan, you will live and we can discuss music and metal life together. Rock on! \m/."  
"Okay?" Bowser rolled his eyes. Metal was just noise to him. None of his kids really like it either though Larry and Roy were into some stuff that kind of sounded like it. Larry always insisted it was 'screamo', and Roy 'post-hardcore', which is 'totally different from metal, dad! Gosh!' Anyway, despite his dark and grim aesthetic, Bowser was always a jazz kind of guy.  
Meanwhile as Lakitu filmed he had to fight the urge to speak up about his love of Metallica.  
"Yes," Whomp King continued, "their latest album was my favorite since 'St. Anger', which is their best by the way."  
Lakitu was baffled. How was THAT one his favorite, he wondered.  
"Yeah. Why can't all of the albums have that snare sound? It was wonderful, do you not agree non-rock person?" Whomp King asked.  
"Sure, whatever," Bowser muttered impatiently, "Where's the star? We gotta chip off your block or somethin', right?"  
"Ha ha ha! You're a funny non-rock person! Let us discuss 'Load', the third best album!"  
"Nooo!" Lakitu yelled. "How can you like that more than 'Master of Puppets'? Are you a true fan or not?"  
"Lol. Metal nerd fight!" Bowser said. "Look, we don't need this music talk. We're looking for stars, k buddy?"  
The Whomp King frowned. "Enough! Clearly you are just like all the other non-rock people who use us to build your houses, your castles, pave your roads, and you just walk all over us! All of you should be crushed! All of you!" Now he was fuming.  
Bowser took a step back from the tall king. "How'd we escalate to this?"  
"Blah blah, non-rock person! Now I think I'll crush you just for fun! Ha ha ha! Do you have a problem with that? Just try to pound me, wimp! Ha!"  
Whomp King hurled himself to the ground towards Bowser. Bowser in a panic Bowser Bombed (jumped) which made him phase though the Whomp King's body and ground pound the back of him.  
Lakitu gawked. "OMG, Bowser, was that a glitch? You discovered a glitch! And I got on camera!"  
"Nooo! Crushed by a non-rock and non-metal person! But I won't gravel, er, grovel.. Basically there's other genres out there and they're okay too I guess..." Whomp King said in a muffle. He then exploded into a star!  
"That's what you get for liking 'St. Anger'!" Lakitu shouted. He immediately covered his mouth embarrassment.  
Bowser looked at him crazy. "Didn't you hear what he said about- wait. Why do I even care? Let's get out of here!"  
Bowser grabbed the star and the victory chime played. Soon he was sent right back out of the painting with another easy victory, but little did he know of the dangers ahead...

To be continued.

* * *

-New move: Bowser Bomb, which again is a real move Bowser can do in Smash Bros at least.  
-SM64:DS redesigned the thwomps from their blue smooth look to their modern look and as we all know, they don't hurt you in 3D Mario games. The strange thing is that modern thwomps have spikes. All I'm saying is, it might confuse someone.  
-No insult to Metallica fans out there. I think they're fine. Not my favorite, but good.


	4. Jolly Loser Bay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Completed: from a while ago to 6/12/17  
> Disclaimer: Mario and Co (and Bowser of course) belong to Nintendo  
> Author note: After this chapter expect better formatting. This story on FF.net was put on hold for a long time before starting up again.

"Woohoo! Another Power Star!" Toad cheered as Bowser and Lakitu exited the door leading to Whomp's Fortress.  
Bowser tapped his foot impatiently. "Yeah, yeah, where to next?"  
"Jolly Rodger Bay, good sir! Home of the deadly and mysterious sunken ship and the dreaded man eating-"  
"Sounds like a fun vacation hotspot!" Lakitu interrupted.  
Bowser turned towards him. "I know, right? Finally something we can agree on!"  
"Umm, guys?" Toad asked, glancing at his watch.  
"Va-ca-tion! Va-ca-tion!" Lakitu cheered.  
"Fine, you two can get eaten for all I-"  
"What?" Bowser asked, cupping his hand to his ear. "Can't hear ya fungus face. Not over me planning my much needed vacation!" Bowser and Lakitu high-fived and left Toad behind.  
Inside the lower door to the far right, marked with a three star symbol, Bowser was greeted to a serene sight. The darkly lit room had two massive fish tanks taking up the entire walls and in the center, a painting depicting a watery scene.  
"Ooh," Lakitu gawked, "This must be one of the really fancy ones. You know, a relaxation spa place!"  
Bowser grinned mischievously. "You think so? Well, no playing that Metallica stuff while I'm relaxing!"  
"You will never let me live that down, will you?" Lakitu groaned. "You'd better hope I don't find dirt on you. I do film your every move."  
"Ha ha! Dream on!"  
Mission one: Plunder in the Sunken Ship  
Bowser dropped down on the misty shore of Jolly Roger Bay. Aside from the small sandy land mass he stood on, the rest of the level was almost completely comprised of clear water. Bowser did a cannonball. The cool water felt good to swim in, especially since Bowser's joints were starting to hurt a bit from so much activity in one day. Bowser noticed some clams at the bottom of the shallow part of the sea. When they opened their mouths, shiny red coins appeared.  
"Mmm mm mm mm! (Free money!)" Bowser said, not opening his mouth out of fear of drowning.  
"Mm mm mm?! (What are you thinking?!)" Lakitu replied.  
Bowser went for it anyway and got snapped by the clam, as he couldn't get away in time after retrieving the coin. Bowser lost some of his health from this and was now about to drown. In a panic Bowser swam back to the surface with as much grace as you'd imagine.  
"That was close! Who knew swimming took your health?!" Bowser climbed on to the small sandy area with a larger stone platform on it.  
"Greetings, Bowser!" the Bob-omb Buddy on top said. "Let me prepare this cannon for you!"  
Bowser thought for a moment. "Really now? I think I'm supposed to be plundering some ship and I don't think I'm gonna find it in the sky. Say, you seen a sunken ship around here? The water's kind of shallow for that.."  
The Bomb chucked. "The ship is down there!" He motioned towards the other side of the platform. Bowser climbed up to his level and looked down. The water here went so deep he couldn't see the bottom.  
"WHAT?!" Bowser and Lakitu gasped.  
"Oh, and watch for the deadly Eel!" the Bob-omb buddy added.  
Bowser crossed his arms. "You'd think that fungus face back at the castle would have warned us that this wasn't a vacation hotspot after all! Well, here goes nothing!"  
Bowser cannonballed into the water again, swimming deeper and deeper into increasingly dark water. As he swam, he noticed two caves going off to the sides and the rotting wooden ship below. Bowser picked up some coins to gain health and swam along the sides looking for an opening. Finally he swam over the ship again to see a furious beast. Unagi the Eel!  
"Mm mmm mmmmm mmm mm mmm mm! (Tons of curse words)" Lakitu exclaimed.  
It was too late, Bowser inadvertently crossed its path due to a bad camera angle, and the giant eels razor sharp teeth got inches way from the Koopa King.  
"Ahhck!" Bowser gasped in a panic, swallowing water as well. Unagi slowly emerged from the window he rested in as Bowser swam way, but realizing that he guarded the only way inside the ship, Bowser came up with a quick plan.  
"Mmmmm m mm m! (We're gonna double back on him!)" Bowser said.  
"Mmm?! (More cursing)" Lakitu replied as they swam for their lives with the eel right behind them.  
"Mm m mm m m (This is our chance!)!" Bowser said as he circled around and made a dash for the opening. Unagi, realizing what they were doing, made a sharp turn to try to intercept them. Unagi opened his mouth wide, wide enough to swallow even Bowser whole. Bowser was a few feet from the hole and ducked through, narrowly missing being devoured.  
Instantly they were transported to the inside of ship. Sand was at the bottom, having settled there for years, with four chests down there also. On the other side of the room was a slope that lead up to an air pocket. Bowser wasted no time swimming to it as he only had two health left.  
Bowser emerged with a big gasp for air. "What the heck was that?!"  
Lakitu came up. "I know, right? … Oh, and good thing my camera's water proof."  
Bowser rolled his eyes. "You need to get your priorities straight. Anyway, I saw four whole treasure chests down there. All we gotta do now is plunder!"  
Bowser swam down and went to the closest chest. Before he could try the lock, he was zapped by some force. He went back up to the top confusingly.  
"What the heck was that?!...Again?"  
"Somethings wrong with these chests," Lakitu added. "Let me look something up." He pulled out his cell phone.  
"Oh, so your phone's water proof too?" Bowser groaned.  
Lakitu looked at him like he was an idiot. "Duh? Okay...oh, so it's a puzzle!"  
"Gah! I hate puzzles! Forget the treasure. I mean, how are we gonna carry these chests out of here anyway? Just give me the star so we can leave!"  
"But that's just it. If the chests are opened in the right order, the water will lower, and we can open that box to get the star. You did notice that box, right?" Lakitu pointed to the red box that was above them.  
Bowser looked around nervously. "Uh, course I did! Now what's the order?"  
Lakitu shrugged. "Doesn't say. I guess this ship sunk before they came up with internet. We'll just have to experiment."  
Bowser let out a loud groan and dived down. He went for the chest on the right. It shocked him, so he tried the left. A bubble of air and the number 1 appeared along with a happy chime. Bowser then went back to the one on the right. It shocked him again. This cycle went on for several minutes, with Bowser having to come back up for air occasionally until he finally figured it out.  
The water started to drain from the ships interior and Bowser now stood in mud. As Bowser climbed the platforms leading to the top where the box was, Lakitu was looking at his previously recorded footage.  
"Ha ha ha ha!"  
"What is your deal- Whoa!" Bowser's claw slipped off the slippery platform and he had to catch himself at the last minute.  
"You know those videos where they're testing the memory of goldfish?" Lakitu asked with a smirk.  
"Uh huh. Where are you getting at?!"  
Lakitu suppressed a laugh. "Nothing. For the record, you failed that simple puzzle twenty times!"  
Bowser growled and then used his Super Wall Climb to scale the steep path. Bowser punched the box and the star revealed itself. He grabbed it with out any fanfare and ended the mission, too upset to speak with Lakitu farther.  
Bowser exited the painting to the calm blue room before. He stomped straight out of it, the nature of the room failing to mollify him in any way, and entered the main room to go straight to Toad.  
"I'm tired of these levels! I want answers, now!" Bowser threatened the Toad.  
"Okay okay! Just one more level, and you can go through that big star door on the mezzanine!" Toad plead.  
Bowser approached him menacingly. "And then?"  
"You can fight...Bow- I mean the boss of this place!"  
Bowser bent down to his level. "One more? As long as it ain't an ice level." Bowser stood back up. "Oh, and Fungus face, you'd better be right. I might be stomping around here doing hero work, but don't you forget who I am!" Bowser turned around to the door Toad was referring to.  
"Pssst!" Toad said to Lakitu. Lakitu turned back. "It is an ice level!" Toad whispered mischievously.  
Lakitu smiled back.

* * *

To be continued?


	5. Cool Cool Misery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Mario and Co. belong to Nintendo

“It’s great to be alive,” the Snowman thought, a lone but not lonely figure among vast whiteness. This was like a preview, kind of.

But as the camera faded to black, there was a silver glint heading straight for his neck. The knife sliced through his icy insides with ease, and the snowman didn’t even have time to gasp before his spherical head was rolling away.

But the Snowman was only unimpressed. “You stop that, now! I know your mother raised you better!”

“Heheheheheh,” croaked the assailant. “I’m not that pipsqueak. There’s a new boss of this mountain!”

 

**Mission: Slip Slidin’ during the frosty race for eight coins that the lil’ penguin lost using wall kicks that will work to find Snowman’s lost head.**

When the Koopa King entered that center painting in the liking of a snowman, his feet were dunked into a warm puddle, his boiling blood reducing the snowy area to a damp one.

“Grrr! What is this stuff??” Bowser asked rhetorically. He was at the near highest point of a snowy mountain. To the right was a broken wooden path and to the left a snowy steep downhill path. A wooden cabin with an iron lock was the closest structure.

“S-s-snow?!” squeak Lakitu from a safe distance of fifteen feet away. This made for a really far camera angle but all for the better with the ugly face Bowser was making.

“IT SURE IS ISN’T IT, GOGGLES??” Bowser looked around. “Erm, I was so upset I forgot the mission. What is it?”

“Something about sliding? I don’t know.”

Bowser cupped his ear. “Speak up!”

“I DON’T KN- Ah-choo!!” The camera took a sharp veer downwards as Lakitu sneezed and a huge snot bubble dribbled everywhere. It was as nasty as it sounded. Lakitu, after going clean through the box of Kleenex he’d brought, refocused the recording equipment to find Bowser no where in sight.

Meanwhile, Bowser stretched his legs in front of the fire, pulling the thick quilt up as well. “A koopa can get use to this, and I mean it this time,” he said as he lifted a mug of hot coco.

Knockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknockknock! 

Bowser’s hand froze in mid air. “...Good thing that wasn’t to my mouth or a certain idiot at the door would be, well, DEAD MEAT. WHO IS IT?!?”

By the way, all of this happened with a black screen.

“Let me in!” Lakitu protest. He was very low to the ground as with the low temperature his cloud couldn’t float much higher.

“Can’t. Locked from the inside.”

“You are inside!”

“Am I?” Bowser asked the not camera. “Make like a fat dude that gives presents and do what I did,” Bowser said, nodded towards to the chimney. 

With a growl, Lakitu climbed onto the lone cabins roof, slipping several times and falling flat on his face. After narrowly getting impaled by ice sickles he slipped through the chimney, right into the burning fire! Ash was blown everywhere inside the small space, making Bowser’s entire face turn black. However, the hot coco was still okay!

Bowser shrugged and took a sip. “Worth it. You dropped something.”

Abruptly, the camera perspective changed to that of first-person as Bowser held Lakitu’s camera. Bowser took a good glance around.

“Whoa, this is way better. You’re fired!” 

Lakitu’s charred body crawled from the pile of ashes. “But, you can’t do that! We’re the Lakitu bros!”

“Smell ya later,” Bowser said dismissively as he walked forward a few steps. “I can literally see everywhere with this new perspective so losers like you are just gonna slow me down-”

“Uh, Bowser-”

“What!? Wh-whoooooaaaaa!” Down Bowser went into the icy slide! He shot through twists and turns in a giant arena with a bottomless black void beneath. 

“Gnarly bro!” said a big penguin sliding along side Bowser with an ipod of surf rock playing.

Bowser uncovered his eyes. “You say something to me?” 

“Yeah, wanna race?”

Bowser glared at him. “…No!” 

“Yes? Okay, go! No cheating!”

“No!” he repeated as the bird gained ground. “Nooooo!” But Bowser was in a videogame so really the answer was always going to be yes. Bowser took the inside line when the path began to curb into a loop. 

The penguin glanced back and saw Bowser catching up with a smirk. They activated their AI rubber banding and again left him in the dust.

Bowser pulled over for a pit stop. On a floating platform was a group of his pit crew, koopas all dressed as mechanics who quickly got to work giving Bowser an ‘oil change’ swapping his ‘tires’, and making sure he was ‘gassed’ (you may interpret that as you wish) and ready to go. 

Bowser zoomed down the remaining track, having a photo finish with the big penguin. 

“...And you know who took that photo? Me!” Said Lakitu while holding his spare pocket recorder. 

Bowser kept going, crashing into the wall. Right outside this second cabin, now located at the near bottom of Cool Cool Mountain, a mama penguin was searching for her lost child around the lake. She was startled by the ruckus inside.

“Tuxie?” She called in gentle voice.

Bowser slammed the door open, frantic to get out. “Princess? Oh, nope. Ya’ll sound similar.”

The mother sigh with disappointment. “Won’t someone please find my baby?”

“Ooh, that sounds like a star mission,” Lakitu said. “By the way, here you go. The big penguin gave it to me off screen and then jumped off that broken platform, but he deserved it. His music playlist on the ipod he left didn’t have any Metallica.”

Bowser earned a star!

“Bout time,” gloated the Koopa King, who was getting stared at oddly by both his camera man and the mother. Why? His ‘oil change’ was some thick hair grease that was applied to his red hair, making it completely gelled down in a limp unflattering way. Those brand new ‘tires’ were just the claws on his hands and feet being painted with a black color. And his ‘gas refilling’ was… actually that was real gasoline.

“Hold on, I’m gonna be sick!” Bowser clutched his abdomen before running off to the side (and thankfully off screen) to gag up the dangerous liquids.

Silently and hopelessly, the mother cried. 

“Listen lady, what does he look like?” 

Still sobbing, she handed Lakitu a photo, making the camera man’s eyes water. “This is the cutest little guy ever! We will vow to find him.”

“Thank you dear. I would have had more photos of Tuxie but someone intruded on my home near the top of the mountain and burn down most of the interior. So sad.”

Lakitu’s smile abruptly dropped. “...Who could have done that I wonder?”

Wobbly in the legs, Bowser got back on screen with his face even more green. “Listen here, woman. I’m only helping cause I’ve been only getting one star per course and that ain’t gonna fly if I’ll need fifty before this is all over.” How Bowser subconsciously knew that fact he didn’t know, but he quickly forgot about that when Lakitu shot off another snot rocket that froze and hit the ground solid.

“Cut that gross crap out, goggles! Get on that gondola on the double!”

“Sir yes, sir- AH-CHOO!…. Sorry.”

So they took the path upwards while on look out. There were some flying enemies floating around but they made no advancements on Bowser. Soon he found sitting on a podium an unhappy snowman’s head. 

“What’s his issue?” Bowser asked, pointing a thumb. “Seen a little brat running around anywhere?” 

The head turned to him. “Yes I did! It happened at the top of the mountain and I rolled here. You simply must help me.”

Bowser rolled his eyes. “Super Wall Climb, go!” His claws sunk into the rigid mountain side and up he went. After many deep and chilly breaths he was soon near the starting spot, with his hands swollen and worse for ware. Also numb.

“This better be worth it,” Bowser said, rubbing his hands together rapidly. “Lil penguin, were’d you get lost at?” He asked, getting really close to the mission name by complete accident. 

“Drats!”said a tiny voice from inside that cabin. Caught red handed was a little blue penguin holding a black bag full of valuables stolen from the house.

“Get over here,” Bowser growled. 

The penguin dropped his bag. It split open and numerous red coins clattered to the ground and began to slide down the steep path down the mountain. 

“My loot! No!” shout the thief. Bowser watched in slow motion the lad dive down after the coins.

“Wait. I got this!” Lakitu said all hardcore like. You’d better believe some Slayor or Megadeth or something was playing in his mind when he flung a small snowball after the penguin, which did nothing except roll down the hill. Oh well, metal can’t solve everything.

“Here we go again,” Bowser groaned. He dove down following the snowball which followed the penguin which followed the red coins. Instead of smooth ice there was now chunky snow, making for a rough erratic ride. He slid off the edge and fell down a long way, landing head first in a pile of snow. 

“Bowser?!” Lakitu zoomed in really close because this would make a great embarrassing shot to sell to TMKMZ and zoomed out again to see only white in the viewfinder...

Lakitu looked up. Heading straight his way was a humongous snowball sprinkled with eight red coins and the penguin who had gotten ran over at some point. 

Crash! An explosion of wintry madness occurred, sending snow fifty feet into the sky. The mother penguin heard and saw even from below, rushing up using the gondola. By the time she’d made it up there, the snow was falling heavily. 

“Are you all okay?” she asked, looking around to try to find survivors.

“Ah-choo! No I ain’t!” Bowser said, in between his coughs and sneezes.

The snowman however was smiling. Some of those mounds of snow from the explosion were the perfect size for a body. “We’ve found your child!”

The mother’s eye’s widened. “You have? Where?”

Bowser slid a solid ice cube her way, a blue penguin frozen solid within.

“We kept the change if you don’t mind,” Lakitu said, holding on to the coins for himself.

She hugged the ice cube close, oblivious to the frostbitten one within. “Oh, take anything you want. This is most certainly my child and not an impostor. I’m one thousand percent sure.”

And so Bowser took a star, three more in fact for a grand total of four. Wait actually, six. In the bottom cabin after beating the penguin, there was a trap activated star that appeared from just opening the door and while climbing the mountain the hard way, a star was randomly floating in the air. Hey, Bowser did not make the rules in this alternate painting universe world. Or did he?

…

Meanwhile, near a campfire back at the top of the mountain was a penguin playing a gameboy. After completing Super Mario Land, no easy feat, the batteries finally died. 

“That’s too bad,” the innocent little Tuxie thought. “Oh well, time to go home. I bet my mother’s worried sick.”

**To be continued!**

* * *

 

**Created: 10/16/18**


	6. Mario in the Dark World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author note: Yeah, so now this is the logic we’re going with. Stay tuned.

“So I have one hundred stars,” Bowser announced, back in the lobby.

“Ha. No. Ten I think,” Lakitu said. Someone in the distance gasped and ran to meet them.

“No flipping way, dude! How are you not dead yet?” Toad asked, amazed.

“I’m the best, so what did you think??”

“Where do we go from here?” Lakitu wondered.

Toad smiled. “With that star count, there’s noting else to do but fight Bowser. See that?” He pointed to a big star door in the mezzanine.

“So.. I go up there to fight myself? Heh, I have internal struggles without having to collect stars first, but whatever. Off to fight ‘Bowser’,” Bowser said in a tone rife with mockery at the absurd situation he was stuck in only growing more ridiculous. He’d have a lot to explain to the rest, his household, Peach even though he was already in her house, even Mario. 

Mario. Why did Bowser think of him of all people?

He went up to the door and a glowing spinning star materialized over his head.

‘Reacting to the star power, the door slowly opens,’ said the dialogue box. Bowser had almost started to miss those. Oh wait, no he didn’t.

The room inside was narrow with a red carpet, leading only to a portrait on the wall with Peach on it.

“Are we getting this all on film?” Bowser asked over his shoulder.

Lakitu nodded, inwardly hoping something would happen soon. Walking and talking wasn’t good television. A moment later he got his wish. Halfway down a trap door activated under Bowser’s feet, sending him into a black abyss. The camera went black and it wasn’t Lakitu’s doing. This meant they had just entered a stage!

Bowser belly flop on a concrete floor with a thud. The path ahead was narrow, leading to walkways over pits, moving platforms, and most alarmingly flame jets.

‘“Bwa ha ha ha! You've stepped right into my trap, just as I knew you would! I warn you, "Friend", watch your step!” 

Bowser got up with a jolt. “Who was that?!”

“Umm, huh?” his camera guy replied.

Bowser groaned, rubbing a knee. “No problem. I built this layer myself. I’ll just navigate it because I have at the very end a warp to my coliseum where there’s snacks, cause I’m hungry, and a working phone line, cause somebody’s got some explaining to do!!!”

Bowser traversed the wooden plank across the gap first, promptly slipping off when his giant feet flexed the board. Bowser caught the edge of the other side with one hand. Now was the flames. 1, 2, 3, he counted in his head, running past on the 3. Bowser dodged the flames but couldn’t stop going quick enough. He tripped over the square moving platforms as they had a hump on them.

“Nice!”

Bowser glared at Lakitu. “Was that sarcasm?!”

“Totally not!”

Bowser let it go. “Super Wall-climb, go!” He used the shortcut up the steep hill to find or circling platforms.

“Make sure these are sturdy enough for you.”

Bowser got on one of them with no issues. “Make sure you don’t get strangled back there… Hey! I see you backing up. I knew your kind were babies..”

Once again the camera was way zoomed out and vibrating from Lakitu shivering form the threat.

Bowser found more goombas on the upper level. “You losers gonna give me trouble?”

The closest goomba hopped in surprise. “We’ll whoop you good for Bowser, Bowser. Come get some!”

The the three goombas in a triangle formation rushed Bowser, but the Koopa King noticed something. They seemed competent this time, even being armed with javelins in their invisible hands while they closed in on every side. Bowser concentrated, phasing from one end of the platform to the others. The goombas collided in the middle where he just was and bonked each other on the head.

Lakitu’s jaw dropped. “What was that?”

Bowser smiled, showing off. “Actually I did this sort of thing all of the TIME!” He emphasized that last word by kicking the dazed and confused goombas off the platform into the void. Bowser wiped the sweat off his forehead. “Erm, but now I remember why I don’t do it often.”

“Because it’s over powered?”

“Yeah and-” Bowser gave a start. “I mean NO! Because it’s freaking hard to concentrate. Oh, and the potion that allows me to do it is in limited supply.”

“Can’t you order it online?” Lakitu asked like it was obvious.

Bowser shook his fist at the aerial cameraman. “Can you order yourself a new face online?! Cause that’s what you’re gonna need to do!”

Lakitu shut up real quick.

Bowser trudged forward where some sizzling electric amp enemies circled about. Bowser had many close calls, feeling the hair on his head stand up. After those were more platforming shenanigans including moving cheese. He wasn’t sure where that idea came from. Maybe he thought Mario might get hungry or something. He was careful to not careen into stuff so Lakitu missed out on any juicy footage to his dismay but to Bowser’s smug satisfaction. 

Eventually he was at the purple switch and just ahead was a really steep checkerboard path to the top of the level.

“This activates the stairs,” Bowser explained.

“… I wasn’t paying attention. What activates the stairs?”

“Goggles you idiot, I just said… er uh I said these work by motion,” Bowser replied, concocting a plan. “Yeah, you just do like this.” Bowser demonstrated by putting his hands to his hips. “And this is the motion.” He bobbed back and forward repeatedly then stopped, seeing that Lakitu took it all in. “You try, slick, since you’re falling asleep so much.”

Lakitu scoffed. “Only because you stopped failing- I mean flailing- I mean uh, doing anything exciting. Fine, I’ll do your job.”

Lakitu did the moves Bowser had just done perfectly, ironically (or not!) looking like he was doing the chicken dance.

Bowser caught the entire thing on tape, hardly containing his laughter. “Hmm I see I was wrong about ya, goggles. Go on up.”

Lakitu tried and slid right back down to his confusion. “Bowser? Your steps don’t work.”

Bowser hit the switch for real and the ramp contorted into steps, flinging Lakitu off. “I take back what I said.” Bowser shrugged. “You didn’t have the moves!”

Bowser hopped into the pipe at the top, expecting to drop into one of his private rooms he’d set up when turning Peach’s place into an art gallery years ago. Instead, he was in a wide open battle room with a red floor. Lining the edges of the arena were floating poison mushrooms and heading straight his way was none other than-

“Hello, Bowser,” the mustached man greeted. “Nice for you to stop by. Like how I redecorated?”

Bowser’s eyes narrowed. “You got some nerve, plumber. What’s going on anyway?”

“I’ve taken over,” he said simply. “The castle is much better now that it can trap people in the walls, including the Princess and her annoying toads. It gets better, my monsters are everywhere and you yourself keep falling on your face. It’s great television.”

“That’s what I’ve been saying,” Lakitu butt in before realizing his error and going back to the stay the away from Bowser technique.

It took everything in Bowser’s power to not roast Mario right there. “That’s not making sense. No one is making sense anymore!”

“Let me clear it up then,” Mario said, talking down like he was dealing with the biggest idiot ever. “The monsters you encounter, well most of them. I believe those pink bob-bomb guys and rebels but not the black guys. The black guys are great.”

“That’s racist. Uh, actually not. Keep going, stupid.”

Mario frowned but continued. “Anyway, these enemies you encounter do indeed work for ‘Bowser’ should you inquire, koopa. They follow ‘Bowser’ as a concept of evil. There’s a Bowser to every Mario and it just happens that I’m Bowser and you’re Mario.” 

“….HA HA HA! Good one!” Bowser slapped Mario on the back.

Mario shoved him back. “You won’t think this is a joke for long, koopa.” He sprung towards Bowser who used his teleport to get out of the way. Bowser however didn’t see Mario spinning around in time to shoot a fireball. Lakitu consequently got some great footage of Bowser running around like a maniac with his tail on fire.

Bowser retaliate with his own flames as Mario rolled to dodge. This meant he’d need to get up close and personal, as Mario was always faster than he. Bowser closed in and swung his claws, targeting that fat neck of Mario’s. Mario delivered a swift right hook to Bowser’s jaw. The Koopa King saw stars, and not the kind he’s trying to collect.

Lakitu was enjoying it all until a brown boot head his way. After sending Bowser spiraling to the ground, Mario was going to take out Bowser’s cameraman! Lakitu’s Nikon camera was knocked right out of his hands to the floor. It was like watching his child dropping in slow motion. 

“Noooooooooo!” And so, the rest of this fight was in fixed camera mode.

Bowser rubbed his head and leaned up, growling. He chased Mario all around, using his warping to try to catch up. Finally he warped to just the right spot and both koopa and plumber collided.

“Got ya now.” Bowser held Mario in his clutches, unsure of what to do next. “… Oh duh. I know. This is for tossing me by the tail in the 90s, pipes for brains!” 

Bowser flung the helpless Mario around and around, flinging him towards the nearest poison mushroom. Just touching the wretched edible, sent Mario high into the air, only to land right in the middle of the arena again.

“Moma mia! That was careless but it doesn’t matter,” Mario said while sprawled out on his back. “I still have the power of the stars and I still have Peach. You’ll pay for this later!” Mario dissipated in smoke leaving only a shiny gold key in his spot.

Bowser picked it up. “Goggles, get over here.”

Lakitu came over with the pieces his equipment was in. “What?!”

“Mario thinks he’s me. I think I’m him. Now we have to keep this show going. That junk still works, right?”

Lakitu fiddled with his viewfinder. “Looks like it does surprisingly. I’d hope so with me spending half my college fund on-”

Bowser made snoring noises.

Lakitu sighed. “Yeah it works. So now what?”

Bowser twirled the key around stylishly. “I’m getting those stars and shoving Mario’s face into the floor like I always do. I could always use that cake too.”

“I don’t think that’s the only thing you’re looking forward to,” Lakitu said, just knowing some good content was coming. “What are you doing now?” 

Bowser was at the edge of the platform looking around. “I think our game glitched cause I don’t see a way go get out of this level!”

“Press pause and quit.”

Bowser spun around. “What freaking pause? I could use a dialogue box right now! Hello?…HELLO? Can I have a hint please?!?

* * *

**To be continued…**

**New moves: Teleport- Something Bowser does in SM64, but only in the Bowser in the Sky I think, I could be wrong. I just know that is not supposed to be a common move.**

**Created: 10/20/18**


	7. Big Boo's Bunt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Created: 12/21/18, 12/25
> 
> Author note: No, this story didn’t go away as I been handwriting it since early November of this year and with me working on finishing up other stories I never got around to retyping it up on my computer until now.

Bowser, after being bailed out of the last level by Lakitu looking up the controls online, stomp around the castle trying to find a home for the big shiny gold key he now sported.

“Do I need to look up a walk through?” groan the floating cameraman, tired of that message about the key not fitting in the mezzanine door.

Bowser stood before the double doors. “Of course not goggles! If I try it the twentieth time maybe it’ll decide to open.”

Toad cleared his throat. “Guys? That key actually goes down-”

“Nobody asked you, fungusface!! Ghahh! Why isn’t it working?!” Bowser beat on the door repeatedly but it never bulged.

“How about some fresh air?” Lakitu suggest, staying back for safety.

Without answer Bowser quit and head through a door he hadn’t yet on the ground floor which lead to a long red carpeted corridor. A large semitransparent boo blocked the way which Bowser immediately bared fangs at, but from Lakitu’s view point he saw nothing but a red floating coin through his viewfinder.

“Hehehehehe. This is not your home!” the boo cackled.

Bowser rudely barged past. “No one asked you either! Kicking open the back door there were more of the floating, laughing, ethereal little beasts roaming around Peach’s quaint little enclosed backyard area. Bowser suppressed a chill.

“W-Whoa!” gasped Lakitu, pulling away from the viewfinder just in time to find himself in the Pumpkin Zone. “Aren’t these your soldiers?”

“I wouldn’t know if they were. They look too much alike-”

“Rac-”

“Don’t you go there! You know what I mean.” Bowser stood in the center of the courtyard where the fountain was. “Attention! This is (maybe) your King-!” SPLASH! Something invisible knocked Bowser straight back into the pool and against the ‘L is Real’ fountain.

“You mean Eternal Star? Ha!” Lakitu was punished for that snarky remark when something unseen knocked the camera out of his hands, forcing him to dive down to catch it in time.

Bowser spat out water. “Which one of ya’ll is doing this?! HUH??”

All of the boos stopped the roaming to stare at Bowser with their shifty eyes. A moment later the water Bowser sat in began to boil, being heated up intensely by his rage.

“Forget it. Just hand over those red coins then. I need the stars.”

“Neverrrrr!” bellowed the biggest boo in the distance. Their beckoning call threw five boos into a frenzy. They all at once swarmed in on the Koopa King to lift him slowly from the ground. He struggled to no avail as they were intangible to him.

Bowser was carried up and up. “Goggles! Stop dreaming and help!” 

Lakitu grabbed his CD holder and tossed a disc he didn’t care for at a boo. Metallica’s ‘LOAD’ album smacked him in the back of the head and he disappeared, slowing down Bowser’s ascent. Still Bowser was nearing the edge of the wall and they’d surely toss him over into the raging waterfall just outside it! Lakitu threw another cd: ‘Reload’.

“Keep your stupid metal to yourself!” Bowser shut up when that second cd knocked out yet another boo with their back turned. Lakitu got distracted when some other boos started to head for him. Soon Lakitu was in a tug o war match with boos trying to grab his camera while the big boo stood back as coach. With this going on Bowser used his brain (for once.) “Hey ya’ll,” he said quickly. “It’s Queen Boo over there!”

One of the boos holding him gasped. “Where?” He and the other three all turned around, allowing Bowser to knock them out. They disappeared in a cloud of smoke and he was safe. Or not. Down he plummeted right on top of the big boo’s head! There was more smoke as the remaining boos shriek and disappear. All was left was Bowser laying flat on his back. 

“Are you okay?”

Bowser abruptly lean up. “Nope! Oww! What is this?!” Impaled on his butt from the impact was a small little music box. Slowly it crank itself in his hand, or so he thought. Next he knew his world went black.

…

Bowser was in a dark place… well, in a different way than usual. His back popped when he got up and took a gander around. It was nearly pitch black but what he could make out was a tall cage like wall surrounding the outer edges of the stage along with a medium sized brick mansion ahead, lit up slightly by the dim lanterns posted outside it’s doors. With a sigh Bowser head there, he was getting use to the program after all. 

‘Game in progress. Meet in basement. B.B,’ said the tattered paper. When Bowser ripped it from the door with a curious look he realized that it was antiquated.

“I should Google how old this is. Wait. I don’t care!”

“Cut that out, goggles! Where else are we gonna go if the house is locked?!”

Lakitu spun his night vision camera around, spotting a cabin around back. The door creaked when it was gently pushed open allowing old mildew smells to make Bowser’s eye water. 

“Who goes there?” The radiant blue iris of the inquiring creature lit up before releasing a laser beam. Bowser narrowly got out of the way as it struck the door, breaking it in two. “Bwa ha ha ha!” went the floating eyeball. It spun around again to face where Bowser fled to, but could only find his camera guy. Lakitu waved and the confused monster sat still just in time for Bowser’s flame breath to envelop it from behind. He was reduced to a blue coin that his attacker happily picked up.

“Great. I don’t know who that eyeball thing was but now we just need 96 more coins.”

“95. You can’t count.”

Bowser flushed. “Shut it, goggles!!”

* * *

Elsewhere Booligan signaled a two but boos lacked fingers so every call for a fast ball, curve ball, screw ball, or fake out seemed identical. Why were they bothering? What ever ball was being pitched went right through the batter. Literally.

“Out! Change!” The catcher muttered. “… Calm down. You can’t bat a one hundred every game,” he added as Big Boo at the plate beat his bat repeatedly into the ground in rage. A small boo slowly floated up with the scoreboard, sweat pouring off of them in buckets practically.

“S-so this means the Boolicious Battlers now tie with the B.B Champs?” This announcement result in a collective groan from all the players on field. Suddenly they heard the elevator in the distance then the background music stopped.

“Who halt my masterpiece?” exclaim Bootoven, the right fielder boo with a powdered wig on.

“Me, losers!” Bowser entered the room everyone was in, a circular hall with old wooden floors and dust marks from the objects that had been cleared out of the way to host a ‘baseball’ game. “Now, give me your stars. Don’t be shy!” 

But he was ignored as a burly boo named Bock step up to the plate to bat. Big Boo was now the pitcher and threw a curve ball that curved.. right into Lakitu. CRASH! There went the sound of expensive equipment being destroyed, plus a cameraman shrieking.

The catcher, Bational only gave it a second’s thought. He was average in every way save for his always tensed brow, made to be that way from his fellow boo’s constant idiocy. “Walk.”

Boo scanned over the score card again. “So if Bock goes there then Butler goes here...Boomerang makes home and-”

“Idiot just look at what’s going on. And who has the ball?! They’re gonna cross the home plate!!” Big Boo shout as the runners were running (floating) past first, second, third, and finally home. He finally located the ball right at Bowser’s stinky feet (who was yawning and refusing to get involved) and struck the last boo out. The inning was almost over, still stuck at a tie.

“Oh, I got it,” said Boo, smiling weakly. “Boolicious battlers are 424,828 to B.B Champ’s 424,828! Uh… did I do good?”

With a growl Big Boo flung the ball their way but it missed and knocked Bootoven out with his powdered wig flying. Bowser finally had enough.

“I don’t know what you’re playing but it ain’t baseball. Do you all have stars or not?”

Bational sighed as he took off his catchers mask. “We do but no one will ever see it because there’s only two outs and the remaining Boolicious Battlers are too tired to swing. You’ve messed our entire century long game up.”

Bowser noticed the surviving team who looked like indistinguishable boos and not tired, but who was he to judge? “No way! What if I’m the relief? I got good stats in the games ya know.”

Before Bational or any others could have a say, Big Boo got in Bowser’s face, towering over him even more than the boo at Peach’s back yard did. “Deal, shorty. Try not to choke, hehe.”

Now Bowser was a Boolicious Battler, or batter rather. (But he’d happily be both.) He step up to plate with his own oversized spiky bat while Big Boo smugly smiled up there. Bowser tightened his grip as the boo’s arm wind up. A second later the ball seemingly materialized in the catcher’s glove.

“Strike one.”

Bowser focused hard but this time the ball was only a fleeting speck zooming past him before he’d had a chance to react. His brain churned for an idea and by some miracle he’d found one.

“Strike two.”

“Get _this_ one past me, freak.” Bowser chuckled darkly when the third ball at maximum velocity head right down the plate-

Bop! With a hallow noise it bounced off of his bat and rolled on the field, aided in momentum by the uneven floorboards, out into center field right past Big Boo’s shocked stupid face, past the boos in the outfield with the same expression, and against the wall on the edge of the room. From here it made it’s rebound past the outfield boos still frozen, past Big Boo, past-

“What the heck was that?!”

“A bunt,” Bowser answered, confidently stepping off of home plate after he’d picked up only a mild sweat during his sprint. “Oh, and an in-field home run, suckers! That’s the ‘Bowser Monsters’ style. Get on my level, fatty!”

Big Boo’s entire face tinged red. “No flipping way. We’ve been playing since forever. You can’t turn your bat sideways and.. just..”

“Maybe that’s your problem. The game’s changed. Pay my goods up!”

“Arrg! Never come back!” Big Boo bark. With a wave of the hand a shining star appeared near the passageway in. Bowser instinctively reached up for a high five for no one to be there. His camera guy was still off in the corner putting his equipment back together. “Goggles?!” Bowser said, coming up as the boos began to murmur in the background about something. “You missed me being awesome. What’s wrong?”

Lakitu looked up in desperation. “My stuff is toast and the spares are back in the castle. Even my phone got totaled.”

“….Wait. So… we don’t know how to get out of this level either!?”

Big Boo and some of the others boos on his team overheard that gave Bowser a funny look, licking their lips. 

“He he he, don’t have your technology? I hope you can make it out of here ALIVE!” His words echoed as the lights dim. Bowser’s hair began to stand up as he backed against the wall.

“Psst. Over here!” said a boo near the entrance. It was the scorecard boo. Bowser could tell by the way they looked unusually like a dork, but then again they were saving Bowser’s clueless behind so he wouldn’t judge!

“Alright. Now what?” Bowser asked as he heard the collective cackles of boos getting closer in the darkness.

“If you hug the wall to the right and go into the water you’ll find the elevator, hehe,” said the little boo. “Oh, and tell Luigi I asked about him!”

Bowser gave one last look behind. “Yeah, I do that random thing. Thanks whoever you are. Ya seem familiar but, never mind...”

 

**To be continued.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mario and co belong to Nintendo


End file.
